In the middle of last week’s sweltering nationwide heatwave, when normal New Zealanders were doing sensible things like buying fans, complaining about the price of ice blocks, and fighting for the last functioning air conditioner at Bunnings, one Kiwi TikTok couple decided to take a radically different approach.
Instead of waiting out the heat… they attempted to slow-cook pork belly inside their car.
Yes.
Inside. Their. Car.
The video — uploaded to TikTok where taste, dignity, and common sense go to be sacrificed — quickly went viral across New Zealand. For many, it was the perfect 2025 lifestyle mistake: part science experiment, part cry for help, and part indictment of whatever algorithm kept telling them this was a good idea.
Food Safety NZ, upon being sent the video, reportedly reacted the same way all of us did:
“What the actual **** is happening here?”
— Anonymous official, probably wishing they had chosen another career path
The Set-Up: A Hot Car, A Hotter Sun, and a Lukewarm Grasp of Microbiology
The couple — cheerful, optimistic, and clearly unaware of how bacteria works — documented the entire process:
- Pre-heat car to “summer inferno.”
- Place a raw pork belly slab on a baking tray.
- Leave it on the dashboard.
- Close windows “to keep the heat in.”
- Narrate confidently like Gordon Ramsay’s heat-stroked cousins.
They returned hours later with the enthusiasm of contestants on MasterChef.
“Look babe, it’s cooking! You can see the fat melting!”
Yes. Melting.
So does a pedestrian when they lie on concrete in 38°C.
But melting ≠ cooking.
Melting = bacteria having the time of their lives in your dashboard sauna.
Pull Quote
“We weren’t sure if it was cooking, but it smelled cooked. And that’s basically science.”
— One half of the TikTok duo, moments before every food expert in the country started twitching
Expert Reaction: A Symphony of Facepalms
Food scientists were quick to weigh in, once they recovered from the shock.
Dr. Lana Matapo, food safety researcher, gave the most diplomatic possible reaction:
“Please… absolutely do not cook food in your vehicle. Cars are not ovens. Cars are terrible ovens. Cars are ovens that will also kill you.”
She then added:
“This is how botulism begins. This is how salmonella evolves into its final form.”
Meanwhile, a Christchurch public health official sighed audibly in a radio interview:
“Every summer we think we’ve seen the dumbest possible heatwave behaviour. And then Kiwis surprise us.”
Timeline: The Pork Belly Disaster, Hour by Hour
10:32 AM — Couple announces experiment. Followers concerned.
12:16 PM — Inside of the car reaches “roast-your-retinas” temperatures.
1:47 PM — Pork belly begins sweating like a tradie in November.
3:05 PM — Condensation on the windscreen forms a light glaze of regret.
4:22 PM — Couple returns, touches the pork, says “it feels warm.”
4:23 PM — Internet collectively screams.
4:31 PM — Food Safety NZ intervenes online: “Do NOT eat that.”
5:00 PM — Pork is thrown away.
5:01 PM — TikTokers declare the experiment a “success but kinda dangerous lol.”
Understatement of the year.
Leaked Internal Memo — Ministry for Primary Industries
SUBJECT: Emergency Protocol: TikTok Cooking Trends
CLASSIFICATION: Public Health / Head-Shaking
- Issue: Kiwi TikTok couple attempts dashboard-pork slow-cook.
- Risk Level: 8/10 (medium–high likelihood of hospital visit, low chance of culinary flavour payoff).
- Recommended Response:
- Issue press statement discouraging “vehicular cooking.”
- Review upcoming stunts predicted by algorithm.
- Add new guidance: “If your recipe requires window tinting, it is not a recipe.”
- Long-Term Strategy: Deploy influencer-targeted public-health messaging. Possibly dances.
Eyewitness Account — Neighbour Who Saw Everything
A neighbour interviewed by local radio described the moment he realised something was off:
“At first I thought they were defrosting something. Then I saw the tray, the pork, and the phone on a tripod. I thought: ‘This is either performance art or a Food Safety nightmare.’”
Another added:
“Honestly, the saddest part wasn’t the pork. It was the Holden. It deserved better.”
Subheading: The Larger Problem — Heatwave Brains
Every New Zealander knows that when temperatures climb above 28 degrees, the national IQ drops by roughly 17 points. People start making wild choices:
- Attempting to fry eggs on footpaths
- Leaving Crocs to melt on decks
- Saying “I’m fine” while visibly dying
- Buying portable fans that turn out to be USB-powered disappointments
But nothing — NOTHING — tops using your car as a slow-cooker.
Experts warn that heatwaves will increase and that TikTok will continue encouraging bad ideas faster than the Ministry can discourage them.
This is a dangerous combination.
The Real Lifestyle Mistake? Trusting TikTok for Anything Culinary
This wasn’t just a pork belly disaster.
This was a cautionary tale about lifestyle choices.
Because for every “simple hack,” “smart trick,” or “time-saving method,” there’s a Kiwi on the other side attempting it without considering:
- Science
- Bacteria
- Heat conduction
- Basic common sense
- Or the fact that cars are not, and have never been, ovens
The real lesson is this:
If you wouldn’t do it on My Kitchen Rules, don’t do it on TikTok.
Final Thoughts
Pork should be cooked in:
- ovens
- smokers
- BBQs
- air fryers if you’re desperate
Pork should not be cooked in:
- cars
- dashboards
- gloveboxes
- boots
- anything with registration and a WOF
But perhaps, in a way, the couple succeeded.
Not in creating food — but in creating a perfect cultural artefact of 2025 New Zealand:
A heatwave, an algorithm, and a questionable decision.
Disclaimer:
Pavlova Post is a satirical news publication. The events, quotes, organisations, and individuals described in this article are fictionalised for humour and commentary. Any resemblance to real persons or real events beyond the referenced news story is coincidental.
Nigel – Editor-in-Chief & Head Writer
Nigel is the founder, Editor-in-Chief, and lead writer at Pavlova Post, a New Zealand satire publication covering national news, local chaos, weather drama, politics, transport mishaps, and everyday Kiwi life — usually with a generous layer of exaggeration.
Based in South Canterbury, Nigel launched Pavlova Post in 2025 with the goal of turning New Zealand’s most dramatic minor incidents into the major national “emergencies” they clearly deserve. The publication blends humour, commentary, and cultural observation, written from a distinctly Kiwi perspective.
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Storm season often finds him watching radar loops and eyeing the skies around Mayfield rather than doing anything productive — purely for “editorial research,” of course.
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